Renly Baratheon and Loras Tyrell-or should we say Edward II and Gaveston?

while doing drama section of my part-II section of Calcutta university, i had Christopher’s Marlowe’s scandalous ( of his time) copy of Edward the second to write five major critical essays for my yearly exam and i thought “ it feels like i saw something similar in game of thrones! lol”

i guess my mind finally deigned to make that connection 1 year later. oh no!

Gaveston is introduced to us in this 1594 play as vagrant, flamboyant favorite of the newly crowned Edward the second whose sole aim right now is to “ be the favorit of a king[?]” , to impress him with expensive masques and shows and basically employ boys to show their parts which “men enjoy” and to “draw the plaint king”, so that he could climb the social ladder and then has affair with the king’s niece. whereas, the poor Edward battles the wrath of his barons and snubs his increasingly despondent queen Isabella( thanks again to Gaveston’s rumors which he spreads through the king’s protection) all for his love for Gaveston. basically he is a blackguard whose love caused a good king’s horrific and tragic end in Marlowe’s play and then he himself dies at the hands of those homophobic , snobby barons.

these gems!:

My father is deceast, come Gaveston,’
‘And share the kingdom with thy deerest friend.
Ah words that make me surfet with delight:
What greater blisse can hap to Gaveston,
Then live and be the favorit of a king?
Sweete prince I come, these these thy amorous lines,
Might have enforst me to have swum from France,
And like Leander gaspt upon the sande,
So thou wouldst smile and take me in thy armes
.”- act 1 scene i

and then…:

Baldock
Tis like enough, for since he was exild,
She neither walkes abroad, nor comes in sight:
But I had thought the match had beene broke off,
And that his banishment had changd her minde.

Spencer
Our Ladies first love is not wavering,
My life for thine she will have Gaveston.- act 2 scene i 

so much for true love!

then we have this flowery Renly ‘knight of THE flowers” (whatever that supposed to mean) who goads Renly “not-traumatized-by-parent’s-death” Baratheon to be a good king over and over by the power of blow-job sorcery. Renly the good and naive then breaks every succession law on land makes a bid for the iron throne and dies at the shadow-hand of Stannis and Melisandre’s evil shadow baby. but how to show that Renly was so not worth this horrific end?? how to overcome GRRM’s timeline in which rely dies before his “ Gaveston”?oh of course! make him a dumb, whiny, lace-loving stereotype who eye-fucks Oberyn and gives his feather bed plenty of exercise with Olyver. then make him a prisoner of faith Taliban( thank you @wendynerdwrites for the term). he would probably die because of some homophobic, snobby religious people now.  yay! problem solved, DAN and DAVID successfully adapted Marlowe’s not so famous play and nobody sniffed it.

freakin’ liars, cannot even make an original disaster.

P.S: cover photo of the play is taken from amazon.com.

INGREDIENTS FOR A PERFECTLY INSANE TWILIGHT CRAP BOOK.

i hereby name thee “the twilight-spawn”!!!!!!!!!!! drum-rolls please.

1. you need a first person POV , preferably a girl who is totally under-confident and has no qualities which she admires herself let alone others. mix in the fact her lips are super soft without lip balm and with what with the constant attempt to chew it, all non-toddler qualities ( no offence to toddlers).she can be all frail-looking, brown-haired, pale and petite although you could change it to curvy, blonde and short just so your rip-off does not become too obvious, oh no! we cannot be caught getting inspired by fan-fiction!

2. you need a super-hero of a hero who is so beautiful to look upon that even our allegedly super talented protagonist fails to describe him as anything less than “beautiful” without much attention to any specific detail. he should have dark hair, any unusual eye-color with stupid adjective and should be a complete and utter “charming” jerk. by some miracle our alleged lady loves him even when he does nothing but stop being a jerk fora while. what a super-power! P.S: he should definitely have some emotional baggage as well<- relevance and common sense may or may not apply.

3. our hero should have loads of money by any means necessary. nothing short of billionaire before 30 won’t do. it helps them being a jerk and a stalker without getting a restraining order you see..

4. our alleged smart heroine should also have an awesome job right away even though we see her do nothing at all to help her get it . wearing the designer closet and thousand dollars accessory courtesy Adonis( or filthy rich parents+ Adonis in case you wanna roll like  Sylvia Day)and then again doing nothing at all while she is at it. we only hear their boss singing a ballad in ode to our lady’s awesomeness! what tough life she lives #tears

Originally posted by weirdlifewelead

5. a tall skyscraper of building for our Adonis is a non-negotiable! he can have it as an office or as a place to own and live but he has to have at least one with super-sonic speed remote controlled, futuristic elevator banks. an allusion to his manhood *wink*

Originally posted by merryonette

6. our lady should have a snazzy best friend to rant her life-pain to, who may or may not be gay/bi-sexual, should be more promiscuous than our lady (just in case you decide to fore-go virginity clause for her) or even that can be optional if you go all Sylvian Reynard and make do with just…

Originally posted by katekavanaughgrey

7. a “jacob-paul-jose-brett” combo who is a stick figure with whom our Adonis fights with like a chew toy over our lady as trophy and on whom our lady cries out her heart-pain like he is a frikin’ pillow.he has to be a special kind of jerk too- you know, the one is more patronizing than anyone when rejection and friendzone looms nearby? that kind. he can or cannot be a P.O.C.

Originally posted by shirtlessmalecelebrities

8. Adonis should definitely have a family who is totes approving of our Lady no matter how little time she has spent with them and are deliriously happy that our Lady has made their beast of  boy so happy and manageable -not admitting parent-failure at their part and speaking of parenting failure, our Lady should also have lousy parents as well, who in some way or the other, are responsible for our Lady to choose a jerk and marry him.( whoops! spoiler to soon)

Originally posted by charliesswan

9. the tension in this formula-book should come from an antagonist who has no other job but to rip our star-crossed lovers apart! how awful!jumped out of the painful past of our Adonis so that our adonis can conquer it and becomes a better man ❤

10. last but definitely not the least, the final garnish should be marriage and babies with money( which our Lady will insist does not want but won’t donate to charity either)

Originally posted by dreamworksanimation

tada! best serve one after the other with a complimentary movie and/or television production which you can control and micro-manage 😀

Christian Grey versus Edward Cullen: who is more redeemable?-II

so in my previous article, i talked about how christian grey was delineated from the ashes of Edward Cullen, an in many ways more humanely better constructed to be called the staple romantic genre’s “damaged” hero. i want to put ‘hero’ in quotes too.      he is not a  romantic hero, he is just a man and that to a disturbed one. if anyone wants to tag romance in this , they should attach it it with it’s old definition with “Transformation” as the central theme, for example,original Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw as opposed to My Fair Lady.  

Gathering her in my arms, I lower us to the floor with Ana on top of me, both of us facing the ceiling. She’s utterly relaxed, exhausted no doubt; her weight a welcome comfort. I stare up at the karabiners, wondering if she’ll ever let me suspend her.

Probably not.
And I don’t care.- E l James, Grey
this is the crux of the matter. the actual text evidence i use when i look for clues that christian grey , in essence , can be redeemed or more practically taught better if given a chance ( and plenty of therapy and counselling). the concern that readers should get bad impression of BDSM and how relationship should be from this book is rested on the argument that they put christian on a pedestal of ideal romance . this could be a concern if weren’t for the fact that astute readers are aware that christian’s behavior is a taught on and it mirrors on how a an abuser would operate his relation: in control and discrete.
but here is the catch word: taught. the one who actually taught BDSM to a young teenager christian was, obviously, looking forward to not getting caught. what more could she ask for when the one she wants is in ripe condition mentally to believe whatever you lies she feeds him?
it is already known christian always felt grateful that Elena took control of his life and “saved him” from making bad decision. if that is true then, offering harsh sex in exchange for control will also entail in such situation that he must not question her motives. Elena Lincoln effectively feeds him lies. to convince him that it is he who is making choice, she never verbally states her desires but gives him breadcrumbs to follow.

She slapped me so hard.” Unconsciously, his hand moves to his face and he caresses his cheek, his eyes clouding at the memory. Holy shit!

“But then she kissed me. And when she finished, she slapped me again.” He blinks, seemingly still confounded even after all this time. “

this gives her an effective and permanent opening. she feeds him her lies which includes isolating him from his family, preying on his self-loathing to sexually and corporeally punish him for her sadistic pleasure, and convincing him that this what working for him and will work for him in the future while in reality giving him no real opening to test this theory( she volunteers as his first submissive and procures future submissives for him as well-we all know hat will that entail) .  in return, christian believes her and adores her advice, after all she stopped him from following a path ostensibly similar to that of his biological mother. in the same process, she effectively blames him and erodes his self-worth: she repeatedly tells him he was a slave to his rage and lust and hence was destined for self-destruction and ONLY her intervention saved him and hence , he should always be grateful-a classic technique by which abusers prey and brainwash on their victim.
years later and still in friendship with Elena, Christian meets anastasia and this arrangement of theirs start to unravel
  • Christian , for the first time, goes out of Elena’s influence to find his partner
  • Anastasia’s inexperience both sexually and relationship wise, ensures that each and every knowledge and intention Christian has about his lifestyle is questioned and challenged by someone. i mean an experienced BDSM submissive influenced and vetoed by elena would be having fun with the BDSM “punishments” christian makes up but only an inexperienced in this lifestyle or who is not into time negotiated slave arrangement will notice, christian does punishment with intents other than that of sexual gratification. the belt-hitting scene is the ultimate climax of this discovery.
  • nothing much happens in fifty shades freed except for we get this important scene in this series which is the pen-ultimate climax moment of this trilogy.
    “I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate .” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.
    “I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.” She arches an eyebrow. I think she’s impressed.
    “I wouldn’t have thought of you as a worthy adversary, Anastasia. But you surprise me at every turn.” “I haven’t thought of you at all,” I lie, coolly. Christian would be proud. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have much better things to do than waste my time with you.”
    “Not so fast, missy,” she hisses, leaning against the door, effectively blocking it. “What on earth do you think you’re doing, consenting to marry Christian? If you think for one minute you can make him happy, you’re very much mistaken.”
    “What I’m consenting to do with Christian is none of your concern.” I smile with sarcastic sweetness.she ignores me.

 

but the fact that christian broke their ties is enough that an teenage turned adult will magically stop all those things he learned about his sexuality and his coping mechanism? realistically it is not possible and even in this book, however magically short lived it was, the struggle period of the after effects still lingers over the course of time . the idea of controlling the safety of people he loves, his anger at his birth mother and his sexual choices are tied in a knotty ball in this trilogy. but the main antagonist to the romance at the moment here, is the influence of Elena.

Christian uses BDSM as a means to be abusive or “to take control” of a situation when he feels they are unraveling. he feels that if only he controls, then he and the ones he loves will be safe.  fifty shades freed   chapter 11 is the best example when  Elena’s influence and sexual brainwash collides head-on with Christian’s own desires and inclination when it comes to relationships and coping with people outside he could influence, mainly his sexual partners-Ana here.[ i am going to give as much quote as possible without altering the context , however, i would prefer if chapter 11 as a whole will be read instead]

“Playroom,” he murmurs. Oh—I don’t know if that’s a good idea. “You up for the challenge?” he asks. And because he’s used the word challenge, I can’t say no. “Bring it on,” I murmur, desire and something that I don’t want to name thrum through my body.

-note that anastasia is not made aware that she is being proceeded for punishment.

“Ah,” I groan while Christian’s fingers continue to move inside me. I’m close . . . all this stimulation . . . Tilting my head back, I moan loudly and Christian stills his fingers. All sensation stops. “No! Christian,” I plead, trying to thrust my hips forward for some friction. “Still, baby,” he says while my impending orgasm melts away. He leans for- ward once more and kisses me. “Frustrating, isn’t it?” he murmurs

Oh no! Suddenly I understand his game. “Christian, please.” “Hush,” he says and kisses me.
….
“Each time I stop, it feels more intense when I start again. Right?”
“Please,” I whimper. My nerve endings are screaming for release. The buzzing stops and Christian kisses me. He runs his nose down mine.
“You are the most frustrating woman I have ever met.” No, No, No.
“Christian, I never promised to obey you. Please, please—”
He moves in front of me, grabs my behind and pushes his hips against me, making me gasp—his groin rubbing into mine, the buttons of his jeans pressing into me, barely containing his erection. With one hand he pulls off the blindfold and grasps my chin, and I blink up into his scorching eyes.
“You drive me crazy,” he whispers,
–a classic abusive technique. taking your frustration on someone else. and guess who taught this to christian by using it in a BDSM scene? of course!my theory is that Elena used to punish Christian by “his preferred”method of harsh caning to stop his bouts of sliding back to drinking and rage habits back then. if it was effective for him then, why won’t it will be the same for his wife?, christian might think.–
“Why did you do that?” My voice is barely audible as I try to process my scrambled thoughts and feelings. He shakes his head sadly and closes his eyes. “I got lost in the moment,” he says unconvincingly. I frown at him, and he sighs. “Ana, orgasm denial is a standard tool in—You never—” He stops.

“So you are punishing me?” He swallows, then closes his eyes. He doesn’t have to answer, and I know that punishing me was his exact intention. “You have to stop doing this,” I murmur. His brow furrows. “For a start, you only end up feeling shittier about yourself.” He snorts. “That’s true,” he mutters. “I don’t like to see you like this.” “And I don’t like feeling like this. You said on the Fair Lady that you hadn’t married

a submissive.” “I know. I know.” His voice is soft and raw. page 241

so, there its is. christian’s abusive behavior in a nut-shell. he believes in one thing and does something else entirely because there is someone who is there to question him and challenge him to do so.this contradictory behavior can be be used to justify even that it is also done by many abusers of domestic, sexual and mental variety to ensnare their victim and they are correct but there lies a difference of intent: an abuser knows he is wrong and justifies it anyway but this character christian grey is just a newly disillusioned victim who is just discovering the extent of the damage done to his sexual and psychological trauma.
in conclusion we only have one small hope that there is a better conclusion for this story other than the condensed version of breaking-dawn  E L James wrote.

“Mrs. Robinson could touch you.” I murmur the words before my brain registers what I’ve said. Shit. Why did I mention her?
He stills. His eyes widen with his oh-no-where’s-she-going-with-this expression. “That was different,” he whispers.
Suddenly I want to know. “Good different or bad different?” He gazes at me. Doubt and possibly pain flit across his face, and fleetingly he looks like a man drowning. “Bad, I think.”
His words are barely audible. Holy shit!
“I thought you liked it.”
“I did. At the time.”

“Not now?” He gazes at me, eyes wide, then slowly shakes his head. Oh my . . .

therefore my opinion is, christian is too brainwashed to be considered a an abuser and too adult to be considered an innocent perpetrator.he is an in-between.
{ my last two rupee though: really e l james?? your abused hero has such a tremendous breakthrough and all you could write “Oh my”??????? aghhhh!}

 

Christian Grey versus Edward Cullen: who is more redeemable?

i am concluding my fifty shades commentary articles from today and i am extremely happy about it. in this process i realized that i may be not the most hilarious writer on the block-there are plenty of those around -but i do loved discovering new websites to see what kind of things they found funny. i laughed so hard, especially redlemonade and badbooksgoodtimes and there are many more( seriously just google “fifty shades of grey blog” and by page 4 on-wards you will find awesome funnies! my dream to reach there at least.sigh!)

SO TODAY I AM TALKING ABOUT..

i decide to tackle the most controversial and most debated aspect of this series in itself-Christian Grey. doing my bit of research psychologists, blog writers, general review writers and many more are divided into faction of either they hate him , is a harmful character to romantically idolize him or they idolize him anyway, usually into something which he is not. this was more prominent when e l James released her fourth in the series Grey ( fifty shades re-imagined from christian’s POV) when most of the reviewers were perplexed. they could not find the “controlling’, “alluring”, “domineering” personality they were looking for.many who hate the series and despise christian grey are satisfied to see that they have plenty of material to justify christian is “psychopath”, “sociopath”, “self-centered”, “domineering”(in a bad way, not the sexy time one) and so on and so forth. seriously, i am still baffled on how did they reached the”psycho” conclusion 😛 , the rest i can still understand.

it is true, christian grey is a domineering, sexist, hermit, disturbed , abusive, self-loathing and misguided fella, a very misguided fella. i will explain why. reading and re-reading this book, i feel the reasons of his behavior are much more articulate and relatable than the ones from whom this character  took root from: Edward Cullen.

to understand christian grey, we have to understand the basic underline of Edward Cullen created by Stephanie Meyer. fifty shades series, after all started off as a fan-fiction of twilight. knowing what i know of midnight sun and twilight series, Edward Cullen is equally domineering and even more abusive if you could believe it. and if the creation of Katherine Kavanaugh could be relied upon, e l James is completely aware of these traits.

  • “I think that is one huge coincidence, Ana. You don’t think he was there to see you?”
  •  “Ana, there’s something about him.” Her tone is full of warning. “He’s gorgeous, I agree, but I think he’s dangerous. Especially to someone like you.”
  • “I’m glad you’re back in one piece. There’s something about Christian,” [kate] adds quietly, apologetically. I give her a small, reassuring smile – all the while thinking… How the hell does she know?”
  • “This is next-generation tech.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Most women get flowers or maybe jewelry,”[ referring to christian sending computer for ana’s BDSM research.
  • . “Are you going to come and help Ana with the move?” Her eyes flash. She’s challenging me[christian that is.]
  • “Ana, if he’s a jerk with commitment issues, dump him. Though I don’t really understand his commitment issues
  • “Grey – your cards are marked,”
e l James is completely aware that her fan-fic creation is a nut-case and nothing to be emulative about but i suspect that her clumsy editing did not make that clear and hence, when she feels people would understand, they don’t because she is herself is unaware that the tone of her novel oscillates between comedy and sarcasm to outright isolated instances of serious reflection on issues of consent and love. so you can never be sure that Anastasia is being sarcastic or exaggerating or serious or comic.keeping both factors in mind, lets us delve on what is Christian and why is he in a way much better character written than Edward Cullen.
there can be no debate that Edward Cullen looks to be swoon-worthy to half the population of teenagers in the world. i mean a girl like Bella whose parental attention for love is being prioritized according to their needs, would no wonder fall for a guy who seems to lavish his every attention and energy on her and so does his family. looking at the crux summary, it does not sound as romantic as we like to is it? even at the of 15 i was aware while reading it that feeling addicted to so much attention from her boyfriend and her family is preferable to Bella because Charlie and Renee certainly do not pay as much as attention as she deserves.
then comes Edward whose is full of angst that he was turned into a an immortal against his consent and still unable to assimilate his troubles even after having 100 years at his disposal. i have to say i don’t understand his problem. he is in peace with Carlisle but not his immortality? he feels rudderless but he was present during some revolutionary women empowerment movement, so handling Bella as if she is a porcelain, dumb, baby like object gets him off? and to top it off, surrounded by ostensibly exemplary example of equal partnership of Renee and Carlisle, so why is he so distressed?
knowing all this, his obsessive and isolating behavior with Bella looks nothing short of a disaster going to happen. and he really has no excuse or background to even explain.
e l James must have released this problem because she does some things right of the bat
  • made sure christian has human reasons to be distressed and his obsessive behavior. his parasomnia and night-terrors as well his deep-rooted self-loathing were effectively used for..
  • a pedophile Elena to pounce on a 15 year old christian. the united states law being so ambiguous  on BDSM , it makes more sense that christian is effectively isolated by Elena from his family, peers, any guiding figure( especially when he paid to get trained in BDSM clubs)
  •  his sexual interaction after that even was carefully controlled by Elena( she used to introduce new submissives to christian) so that nobody  can really understand and question him on their clinical relationship.
  • anastasia being a virgin , though sound very outdated and  sexist, does make sense so that we as an uninformed readers and Anastasia will be more willing to explore on why christian is so disturbing.

hence, in my next part, i will explain on how these factors make christian far more redeemable and understandable than his original outline.

mercifully absent from fifty shades movie…yet.

those who watched the movie of the same title fifty shades of grey , must be in a state of “ignorance is bliss” because they are missing such wonderfully, idiotic phrases and pitfall ideas from the internal monologue from anastasia.

without much further ado …

“hangs from his hips”

what does that even suppose to mean?? my best guess was at first that they are supposed to highlight how hot christian looks with his chiseled hip!? i am confused.   then i looked at it some more and then it looked even more absurd. keep repeating-HANG, FROM, HIS, HIPS. she does not not notice our hunky hero’s bicep or tri-cep or broad shoulders-leading me to believe he does have any- but hip! this is the most absurd thing anyone has ever noticed and that it was before their coffee date. then mercifully she notices those but only after he take off his shirt after sleeping with her-proving what a slow synapse, dullard she is. which Dakota does not need to add in her notes, whew!

 

 

despite the abs, if someone comes in front of me wearing pants there! i don’t think anybody will be impressed. what were we all thinking finding this sexy?

 

 

“inner goddess”

we first meet this absurd, dance master psyche of anastasia  when christian kisses her.not her! this inner goddess but Anastasia! i know you are confused how they are related but i assure the only way to her location is not so very helpful- “my very small…” so she is smaller than her and our first schizophreniac imaginary friend-like foster’s home for imaginary friends  but weirder and with more sex. basically she likes anything and everything with sex, thinking be damn! she is very boring in respect to her schizo sister……

“subconscious”

oh man but she is snarky! and so awesome she always harps exactly what a fool anastasia is, ironically being a product of that stupid brain herself. maybe that is why ana does not bother to name her beyond subconscious , like, snarky mistress or harpy maniac or -keeping with Ana’s love for old British literature- Lady Pompadour!.even anastasia admits such a wonderful part is so underused- not keeping with warnings about potential rapists and gun attacks.”try to be cool, Ana”- see ! what wonderful ideas she has! like that is even possible for ana.     assure you in all seriousness s.he is the gold mine of comedy, with once in a while ore in it.

“orange juice”

thirst quenching, refreshing, and the most holy as well, considering it is called divine over and over.enough said! Bad Books Good Times, you get all the credit for this.

“wine”

this is a personal peeve of mine on how this svelte characters, as they progress the novel become more svelte to my bewilderment.why you ask? i mean how the hell they manage to loose weight and make abs drinking 2-3 cups/ glasses of wine at minimum? it escalates to 5-10 glasses of one form of wine or cock-tail or other. from a student who never got drunk to a women who is on the verge of being drunk everyday this is a lot of constitution progress. i might as well mention they don’t eat much chicken as well, instead they opt for fish all the time.which i hate.i hate fish!

damn you!

announcements!

i have decided that from now on i will post on my blog on a timely manner and not this haphazard schedule i have been keeping.so from this week i will post weekly with 1 post each week on Saturday. i will talk about what i am already talking about , that is, fifty shades and the hilarity associated with it( and then we will move on to Gabriel’s inferno series)-which is why it is a bad book i guess 😉 and yay for me! 😀

 

“jacobs”- why they irk me.

before diving right in the meat of the title i would like to say i am sorry; my hilarious commentary on fifty shades is being delayed by three more days because i blew through my net allowance pack by watching too many iisuperwomanii and screen junkies on YouTube! i know i am so selfish please don’t be mad 😦  …i do not want to risk my full fledged commentaries on the capricious nature of oldy-slow internet so i am doing a short follow up on my previous post .

the basic reason on why these “jacobs” irritate me to no end is quite simple and might be complicated to some people. i mean what is wrong with a female character having a male Mr friend zone? but here is the deal- all those damsels having a male friend in the guise of torch bearer, just seems to drive the point of women-men friendship sanctity in question and it is a big deal for me. my father had a transferable army job and the only constant i ever had was the love of my parents and friendship of some of the most amazing kids ( now grown-ups) i ever had the fortune to meet. girls, guys, teachers, lab assistants and many more, i realize the preciousness of it.

but then comes these whose only motivation to be such a great friend to our brown haired damsels is that they secretly nurse a crush on her just undermines their friendship. already the “bellas” have few to no friends whatsoever and then the only best friend who is good to them has romance and sexual attractions as their primary driving force behind their relationships puts a whole level of misogynistic concepts into recollection- women in many small or big backward society   still could not mingle with men from the outside because of this patriarchal notion of women “tempting men to sin”. Victorian period, especially early ones,  noted to have women and men and separate compartments even to the extent of marriage companionship( men in cigar rooms, women in parlor and nursery . two separate bedchambers for the elitist and rich)

now some might say, just one or two instances in some popular romance cannot imprint such a radical notion on our psyche and i am myself, advocate this idea that just because some idea of derogation( patriarchy, misogyny, elitism, classicism,fanaticism and so on…)  is there it does not mean it is endorsed or it could create such disconcerting implications.

but then i look at how those brown-haired girls have no other valuable companionship ( man or women) other than “Jacobs” .  emotional struggle from other relationship has token to zero value on page- bella from twilight struggles between Jacob and Edward and not her human life and vampire world.many recent romances like beautiful disaster series and fifty shades series and so on, have this problem.friendship, familial love, love of a different life seems to be missing and ,in my opinion, stephenie Meyer’s twilight series is the worst and a picture perfect example of this. e l James at least nips the bud quite early and clearly even if this bella/ana has her friend kate taken away to Barbados and has half page dialogue a whole book later( not bad but could have done better and passed the Bechdel test)

so i ask all writers of romance and other affiliated genre’s out there, why can’t a heroine have a dedicated male friend whose primary motivation is not love/sex? why can’t he feel passionately protective unless she is beautiful and frail to him? why can’t a lady have a strong friendship with someone who is a man and does not have bi-sexual, gay stereotype hanged around him( yes, i am looking at you Sylvia Day) ? why does the “bellas” in question have to be so damnably immature/stupid or plain ass as to “use” those “jacobs” so as to those Jacobs now have “legitimate” reason to insidiously make their pass at them? why can’t you all stop being so misogynistic?

PS: Sylvain Reynard recently scored my brownie point by making her eponymous heroine Raven have friend who is not at all interested to be “more” and his name is Patrick. as of yet Reynard’s florentine series has one book left, so let us see 😉

the “jacobs and pauls” phenomenon.

let me tell you the truth. i came across the popular “romance” novel through  newspaper article on a Sunday morning, ages ago, extolling about the sudden rage in sales of books with explicit content. what was different this time was that the conventional media was not afraid to talk about it without any moral preaching and even discussed some more future projects in which classics like “pride and prejudice” and “Jane Eyre” will get those similar make-over to attract the readers and increase the sales. that was how i came across these three- TWILIGHT, FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and GABRIEL’S INFERNO.

 

the most curious observation is the prominent fixture of a male-figure( they are not much of  a character) who is there for our plain as a day heroine( brown-haired, petite and pale!) for anything and everything. no really! they are her best friend and are willing to slide into the role of boyfriend in a snap of a finger, and are willing to be perfectly friendly even if ( inevitably ) our Mary sue-z will reject his romantic attention for someone else. i mean, we noticed the whole debate of “team Edward” versus “team Jacob” t-shirts and opinion polls everywhere. and Stephanie Meyer kick started this phenomenon in Y A literature , as well as many more genre which touches romance. i cannot even say that she might be the first one but she unwittingly repeated what has already happened in the first known novel in the history of English literature PAMELA by Samuel Richardson. here, Richardson has more of stick figure of a Jacob in 1740 called Mr. Williams( like a cave painting. very crude. get it? no? oh well 😛 ). Mr. Williams is trying to find someone to save our eponymous heroine from her captivity ( yes, you read correctly and not to mention the author is clear that this is a women whose virtue will be rewarded by her kidnapper. happy ending!)

 

MILD TO RUTHLESS SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO STILL HAVE NOT READ THESE “GEMS”.

i guess i should start with the most baffling, condescending and idiotic of the trio of “Jacobs” – i present you Paul Norris. a notorious rabbit lover and cow enthusiast ( but not a PETA enthusiastic mind you) ; who promptly categorizes  women in petting zoo animal- he nicknamed our mary sue “rabbit” after his first day of college seminar.the guys is fast!.he is also, what i have observed in Pamela, is a victim of instant-noodle style affection:

[…] I should think myself but too happy, if I might be accepted. […] Don’t think this a sudden resolution. […] the moment I saw you, [I] wished to serve so much excellence.”-Pamela.

“…, [Paul] knew, without doubt, that he would do anything to keep someone from hurting her. Even if it meant his academic career. Even if it meant dragging Emerson out behind the Department of Italian Studies and giving him the serious ass kicking that he and his pretentious posterior so richly deserved.” -Gabriel’s Inferno Sylvain Reynolds. do note that he is apparently ready to railroad his life after meeting our heroine and knowing her for about  five days. woah! clingy much?

he is just ready to take brunt of anger on our heroine-Julianne’s, behalf from his irate thesis doctorate supervisor but also keeps calling her “little rabbit” just because he feels that or heroine is frail and spooks easily like an animal( he might be right considering , how many times she judges people on casual sexual assignations and feels “ill” and “disgusted”…but full discussion on Julianne Mitchell in future 😉 ). he is also into respecting Julia’s boundaries of relationship unless it is with men he considers beneath his standards.he feels BDSM is disgusting since his personal motto is “lovers should be gentle with each other” and ” ..should care enough to respect them and not treat them as objects” ( that is a great piece of advice really. yay!) and also be “..careful and never , ever hurt them. even if they’re fucked up enough to beg you to”-wait! whaa..at?. yes you read this right, he ( and probably the author as well) feels those who enjoy pain in their sex life are not right in their mental capacity or else why would they ask for it? there no other text reference to say that Reynolds is being objective here but he is not because everyone agrees with him :-/  .in the text.  all this is not even in a casual conversation , in a relaxed, candid environment but whispering right next to Julia while making puppy face and promptly making me and Julia uncomfortable.the one and only redeeming quality our writer seems to have infused in Paul is that like a self-respecting gentleman, he realizes he could be a potential nuisance in the life of julia after she dangles with his romantic aspirations by kissing him( knowing all the while she is still pining after her lost lover), so he drops contacts to mere acquaintance-level when she leaves and marries away and asks him to be friend( the dreaded friend-zone, not once but twice.)

the next in line is our eponymous Jacob black!. a normal teenager , who was perfectly nice and was a sweet friend to our heroine Isabella swan. things take for a dive when he develops feelings for her and our depressed heroine( numbed after her forced separation with Edward) does nothing much to dissuade him from his futile torch bearing except for a token warning once on how she will be never be good enough for him( poor you, idiot) instead of saying that i might never like you. sheesh  :-/  .to top off all the pain on this guy, meyer steps up and makes him a werewolf who hates his “ancient enemy” aka vampires who is also the chosen one of our virtuous Bella.

Jacob_Black2

the face of spare-love-interest of this decade people.

so what does our Jacob do? will he leave Bella alone? will he respect her choices? will he stop being an ass to Bella and just tussle with Edward alone??…………no! of course not silly you!. i think very few people notice that however problematic and an icon of domestic abuser Edward Cullen is, Jacob Black is also an emblem of those guys we fall for during our teenage years. he is into bikes, uses his good credentials to take us away on adventures and is sometimes a surrogate brother but he also can be a bully, a condescending menace and just plain assaulter- do remember he forces to kiss Bella not once but twice in ECLIPSE and the disturbing thing is no one on text names it anything more than being “forward”. he also hangs around our Bella until someone from Edward’s side does something to make him punch them and finally(!) Meyer throws a mutant-baby at him to make a Mormon ending of it.

i am saving the last and the least( no, really he has the least of all figure making material compared to even stick-figure Mr. William!)  Jose Rodriguez, who has frankly the most unoriginal Hispanic name  and also takes after his literary inspiration Jacob black in terms of sexual assault.sometimes, i feel e l James is being intentionally sarcastic towards Meyer and twilight. take our (jacob-3) Jose for example, where Meyer just stops caring about sexual assault by Jacob and makes Bella confess love to him( which is “less than Edward”.phew!), James on the other hand makes sure anastasia does not give a dime about his intentions lest we gullible readers find a way to stick up to Jose ( you know a “team Jose!” mania won’t help 😛 ) .he is there just so we could see how naive and low self-esteemed our Ana is , and what an idiotic, jealous, teenager-adult christian is and makes sure by the conclusion of the series , christian is nothing but gentleman to him by talking about manly sports such as fishing.he really has no purpose of himself except for serving as a token diverse friend in the book along with Ana’s best friend Katherine Kavanagh-my favorite, she is.

so the conclusion is………watch out for william-jacob-jose-paul because they end up in the plot just to decrease the grey matter in the heroine’s brain, so they can waffle with their torch (which “jacobs” burn for them) and create a lame tension in the love affair.they have a penchant for insta-luv and seems to have no idea of boundaries when their place is finally relegated in the friend zone.they also hammer in the fact that a guy and girl can never be great friends with each other unless he turns out to be gay or bisexual(offensive? YES!) they serve sometimes as a punching bag for our hero and a crying shoulder when our heroine is alone and sometimes, exceptionally , manage to become the central of attention( Peeta from HUNGER GAMES anyone? but only after he managed to become condescending and manipulative in comparison to the good ol’ Gale .of course Katniss will dump Gale  :-/ ). beware!