INGREDIENTS FOR A PERFECTLY INSANE TWILIGHT CRAP BOOK.

i hereby name thee “the twilight-spawn”!!!!!!!!!!! drum-rolls please.

1. you need a first person POV , preferably a girl who is totally under-confident and has no qualities which she admires herself let alone others. mix in the fact her lips are super soft without lip balm and with what with the constant attempt to chew it, all non-toddler qualities ( no offence to toddlers).she can be all frail-looking, brown-haired, pale and petite although you could change it to curvy, blonde and short just so your rip-off does not become too obvious, oh no! we cannot be caught getting inspired by fan-fiction!

2. you need a super-hero of a hero who is so beautiful to look upon that even our allegedly super talented protagonist fails to describe him as anything less than “beautiful” without much attention to any specific detail. he should have dark hair, any unusual eye-color with stupid adjective and should be a complete and utter “charming” jerk. by some miracle our alleged lady loves him even when he does nothing but stop being a jerk fora while. what a super-power! P.S: he should definitely have some emotional baggage as well<- relevance and common sense may or may not apply.

3. our hero should have loads of money by any means necessary. nothing short of billionaire before 30 won’t do. it helps them being a jerk and a stalker without getting a restraining order you see..

4. our alleged smart heroine should also have an awesome job right away even though we see her do nothing at all to help her get it . wearing the designer closet and thousand dollars accessory courtesy Adonis( or filthy rich parents+ Adonis in case you wanna roll like  Sylvia Day)and then again doing nothing at all while she is at it. we only hear their boss singing a ballad in ode to our lady’s awesomeness! what tough life she lives #tears

Originally posted by weirdlifewelead

5. a tall skyscraper of building for our Adonis is a non-negotiable! he can have it as an office or as a place to own and live but he has to have at least one with super-sonic speed remote controlled, futuristic elevator banks. an allusion to his manhood *wink*

Originally posted by merryonette

6. our lady should have a snazzy best friend to rant her life-pain to, who may or may not be gay/bi-sexual, should be more promiscuous than our lady (just in case you decide to fore-go virginity clause for her) or even that can be optional if you go all Sylvian Reynard and make do with just…

Originally posted by katekavanaughgrey

7. a “jacob-paul-jose-brett” combo who is a stick figure with whom our Adonis fights with like a chew toy over our lady as trophy and on whom our lady cries out her heart-pain like he is a frikin’ pillow.he has to be a special kind of jerk too- you know, the one is more patronizing than anyone when rejection and friendzone looms nearby? that kind. he can or cannot be a P.O.C.

Originally posted by shirtlessmalecelebrities

8. Adonis should definitely have a family who is totes approving of our Lady no matter how little time she has spent with them and are deliriously happy that our Lady has made their beast of  boy so happy and manageable -not admitting parent-failure at their part and speaking of parenting failure, our Lady should also have lousy parents as well, who in some way or the other, are responsible for our Lady to choose a jerk and marry him.( whoops! spoiler to soon)

Originally posted by charliesswan

9. the tension in this formula-book should come from an antagonist who has no other job but to rip our star-crossed lovers apart! how awful!jumped out of the painful past of our Adonis so that our adonis can conquer it and becomes a better man ❤

10. last but definitely not the least, the final garnish should be marriage and babies with money( which our Lady will insist does not want but won’t donate to charity either)

Originally posted by dreamworksanimation

tada! best serve one after the other with a complimentary movie and/or television production which you can control and micro-manage 😀

fifty shades of stupid situations :-P

chapter 1

“i scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror.damn my hair-it just won’t behave,…”

okay so, this has to be the most idiotic opening line of any book whatsoever, what do we infer from this? yeah, our heroine is frustrated and cursing the world for making her look stupid.

I must not sleep with it wet.I must not sleep with it wet.Reciting this mantra several times, i attempt,once more, to bring it under control with the brush.”

oh golly, she is going to pontificate on it for so long as the first paragraph and we are now cheerfully informed that this girl is from the first world otherwise who cares about frizzy hair now? #firstworldproblems. also we need to know how is she going

to bring control.

on her hair.

with her.brush.( did you see what i did there? 😉 ..foreshadowing)

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu….. As an exceptional entrepreneur and major benefactor of our University, his time is extraordinarily precious – much more precious than mine – but he has granted Kate an interview. A real coup, she tells me. Damn her extra-curricular activities. ….. Only for you, Kate, would I do this. 

she curses her friend hell and back for being ill, for being a in a leadership role in college and then does a complete 180° and gives us the cheesy line that she will waste her time for her. we understand, your inner monologue are not to be taken seriously. thanks for the heads up!( it also explains her future schizophrenia with naming and making her subconscious tut and dance. 😛 )

seriously though it has been three pages and only thing we could gather about her here is that Anastasia hates her hair wet during sleep, hates getting her time wasted, going for a interview she cannot bother to open Wikipedia for research and has a dear friend and roomie Kate ( full name yet unknown -_- )

“Excuse me one moment, Miss Steele.” She arches her eyebrow slightly as I stand selfconsciously before her. I am beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart. I tuck one of the escaped tendrils of my hair behind my ear as I pretend she doesn’t intimidate me

cardigan and shabby skirt at an office area which she knew is a real coup to get interview for and could not bother to go in her friend’s closet? if this is smart, then i do not want to know what she finds silly and this is a clear nod to fan-fiction roots #nodtostephenie meyer . and a immaculate looking receptionist looking at her funny is intimidating huh? okay so now we know Steele has low tolerance for freaking out, what will she do when she is will be put through many more miss professional power dressers in this office? freak some more of course.

I’ve never been comfortable with one-on-one interviews, preferring the anonymity of a group discussion where I can sit inconspicuously at the back of the room.

well that is not how group discussion works Miss cardigan-is-smart-in-business Steele.( kill me now, this chapter has already provides us with three instances of freak-ery from this girl 😛 )

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap –

#nodtostepheniemeyer part-2.when is anything going to happen in this chapter, god! this book will take forever to tear through 😦

“Um. Actually–” I mutter. If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle. In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate.

are we all supposed to find this blikny-blik-blink routine heart-stopping? serisously, this book is always asking for too much

okay, i will concede for only pinkie pie!

 

see you soon for next chapter. buh-bye!